Monday, 11 February 2019

Finding love again

With over 200 blogs on D4Dementia now, some of them approaching 7 years old in May this year, I've decided to spend my 2019 year of blogging by re-visiting some of the topics I’ve covered previously, throwing fresh light on why they remain relevant, and updating them with some of my more recent experiences. This month, I want to look at love.

I finished my January 2019 blog with a quote that talked about how a person who is struggling to express themselves, perhaps because of their dementia, is:
“Ultimately looking for understanding, appreciation and love.”
Of course that could be said for all of us regardless of the circumstances surrounding our health, but a diagnosis of dementia brings the importance of love and expressing love into an even sharper focus, as I described in my 2014 blog, ‘Amour’:
“Dementia taught me to tell my dad I loved him every time I saw him. I say dementia taught me because a diagnosis of a terminal disease makes it imperative that you make the most of every moment. There isn't time to be bashful - you will have a long time to regret what you didn't have the courage to say or do.”
But that isn’t to say it’s always easy to express love or feel love when dementia is part of life. Last year I met a lady who very candidly spoke about her relationship with her mother, who is living with dementia, saying that she found it very hard to love her mother now.

Many people might harshly judge this lady for a comment like that, but on further exploration it was clear it was a remark that came from a place of immense love and a longing for that love to be reciprocated. The lady felt bereft because of her perception that her mother didn’t love her, but when we reflected on her time with her mother, it became clear that she was missing very subtle signs of her mother’s love, purely because they weren’t the obvious expressions of it that she’d been used to her whole life.

This lady viewed the changes in her mother only through a negative lens. She spoke about her mother’s repetitive speech, her lack of interest in previous hobbies, how she no longer wanted to eat foods she’d always enjoyed and how she constantly walked, making her daughter feel that she just wanted to get away from her.

But we found a flip side to this. The repetitive speech was an opportunity for the lady to reinforce the information her mother needed, and that could come from a place of love if she realised the trust her mother was placing in her to provide that information in a calm and consistent way.

The lack of enthusiasm for previous hobbies could be interpreted as an opportunity to try new things, finding common interests that they could enjoy together, and likewise with trying new foods. We also talked about walking, and the joy that could be found in walking together, exploring the environment and taking notice of the details around them, something that is known to be very good for improving wellbeing.

Like many people, this daughter saw her mother’s walking through the negative concept of wandering (not a phrase I like or agree with), which is a topic I wrote about in my 2012 blog ‘Going Places’:
“Wandering suggests aimless moving from place to place without any clear objective, but that is not the case in people with dementia. I have written previously about the need to appreciate, understand and connect with a person who has dementia within the world THEY are living in. It may be a world from their childhood or their years as a youthful adult, it may be a happy place or a sad and worrying place. Wherever it is and whatever the circumstances, the person with dementia may well feel compelled to do certain things, and have great purpose and direction in doing them, however fleeting that may be.” 
For this lady’s mother, walking was something she needed and wanted to do, not something to be in any way suppressed as her daughter thought it perhaps should be. Supporting someone you love to do something that they love is in itself an act of love. Not one with big declarations or fancy ribbons attached, but one that is far more meaningful when you consider that many people who are living with dementia and want to do things like walking are prevented, sometimes forcibly, from doing so.

I think, and hope, that I helped this lady to find a different perspective to the one of desolation and isolation that she was feeling. Accepting that dementia sometimes changes our perception of loving and being loved is a tough realisation, but it is one that provides a degree of peace, and sometimes even hope – hope that you can still have those moments of connection with the person you love, however fleeting those moments may be, and feel that surge of emotion that only love can give you.

As I said in my Amour blog:
“During those difficult moments, the sadness, the emptiness, the emotional rollercoaster of being a carer, it's the love you feel that gets you through.”
Until next time...
Beth x

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886
Like D4Dementia on Facebook

Monday, 14 January 2019

Communication - It’s more than just words

With over 200 blogs on D4Dementia now, some of them approaching 7 years old in May this year, I've decided to spend my 2019 year of blogging by re-visiting some of the topics I’ve covered previously, throwing fresh light on why they remain relevant, and updating them with some of my more recent experiences. To begin, I want to look at communication.

In 2013 I wrote a very popular blog entitled, ‘Don’t ignore me.’ It was all about how a person with dementia might express themselves, highlighting that;
“Speech is only one form of communication; assessing body language, the choices being made, positive or negative reactions and different behaviours can often tell us a great deal without a single word being uttered.”
It was a blog I wrote mostly to share how my dad communicated, particularly in the latter years of his dementia, in the hope it might help others to understand that a lack of verbal communication isn’t, as many of us might assume, the end of communication.

Losing the ability to verbally communicate is something I see often in people whose dementia has significantly advanced. Sadly those people are still being far too quickly and easily written off, as I described in my ‘Don’t ignore me’ blog where I wrote about that hideous phrase ‘unresponsive’:
“A popular phrase to describe someone with advanced dementia is ‘unresponsive’. In my view it is a description that says more about the abilities of the person using it than the person with dementia. No one is ever 'unresponsive'. You may have to work a bit harder to find something that creates a reaction, but even someone with very advanced dementia is capable of expressing themselves in their own unique way if they are stimulated to do that, and the person enabling that stimulation then has the ability to interpret the resulting expression.”
You might imagine that in 2019 the phrase ‘unresponsive’ to describe the communication of a person with dementia would be obsolete, but not so. I saw it written in more than one care plan in the latter part of 2018, and promptly sought to change the perceptions of the people who’d written those plans.

On the flip side, also in the latter part of 2018 I saw some truly inspirational communication with a gentleman called Peter*, who is in his 50's and has been speech-impaired for most of his life. Peter's family, rather than finding this difficult describe it as a blessing. Why? Because his siblings say it meant that they grew up learning to communicate in multiple different ways, rather than relying on speech as most of us do.

Peter's family have developed, as a unit, a communication system highly personal to them, that combines elements of sign language, body language, facial expressions, body movements, objects and pictures. They emphasise that rather than just using their mouths, they and Peter use their whole body to communicate. So for example, flexing his toes means that Peter needs to move. In order to observe this if Peter is wearing socks, his family bought him toe socks.

While I was with Peter and his family I also saw something I rarely see in mainstream dementia services – mirroring. This is where those communicating with the person mirror their non-verbal signals, enabling the person to feel that those around them have a real rapport and connection with them and share their emotions and ideas, giving the person a greater sense of engagement and belonging. True mirroring is subconscious, and is very different from imitation, which is a conscious effort to copy a person that can be very disrespectful.

It was fascinating to watch Peter and his siblings communicating, proving that a lack of speech is no barrier to a deep and loving connection that hopefully ensures that Peter feels understood, valued and never, ever ignored. Granted, Peter and his family have had years to adapt and refine how they communicate with each other, and listening to their story it certainly hasn’t been easy, but the message I took away from meeting them was that no matter how difficult the circumstances, if you are creative in your approach, focused on what is possible (rather than dwelling on what isn’t), and prepared to adapt and change, you will find those moments of connection that may have seemed illusive. 

Of course when you’re thinking about supporting a loved one with dementia, or as a professional working in dementia care and support, the greatest difficulty is often that dementia is a bit like shifting sands - as fast as you find a breakthrough, something changes and you need to re-evaluate and try something new. Rapid change isn’t something Peter's family have had to cope with as yet, but we certainly had that with my dad.

So, what does all this mean for someone currently supporting a person, with or without dementia, for whom verbal communication is now limited or non-existent. For me, the best first step is observation. The time you might otherwise spend thinking of what you want to say, saying it and trying, perhaps in vain, to be understood needs instead to be spent observing the person. 

Never starring, just discreet observation, taking in everything about the person, what they are doing with their body (or not doing that is otherwise usual for them) and what they are telling you through those movements, perhaps wanting something or someone, indicating that something is wrong (or right, don’t miss the positive things too) or giving non-verbal clues that something is missing. Think of this like an unfinished sentence - how can you help the person finish what they are trying to communicate? You might need props like objects or pictures to assist you. 

Good observation won't just enhance your communication, it has many other benefits too as I wrote about in my 2015 blog, ‘Harnessing the power of observation’:
“Good observation skills can tell you how a person is feeling, what they want or need and how you can best respond to them. It can also give you clues to their personality, their likes and dislikes, and the ways in which you can seamlessly integrate yourself into their life without being obtrusive, interfering and controlling.”
Even for the best observers, taking in this level of detail undoubtedly takes practice - be prepared for a lot of trial and error, a lot of frustration for you and the person, and going down many blind alleys with what you think is meant but really isn’t at all. But for all the difficulties, it is worth it for those special moments where you do both understand each other. As I said in my ‘Don’t ignore me’ blog:
“It can be easy to ignore an expression that isn’t clearly spoken, but the price paid can be huge in terms of emotional, physical and mental distress to someone who is already vulnerable, often frustrated, and ultimately looking for understanding, appreciation and love.”
(*Name changed to protect identity)

Until next time...
Beth x

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886
Like D4Dementia on Facebook

Get every D4Dementia blog post delivered into your email inbox - Sign up here: