Your voice

Sometimes I meet people who seem genuinely perplexed by my passion for the work that I do. Trying to convey the warmth and genuine love I have for my vocation isn’t always easy, particularly amongst those with very negative viewpoints of older people and people living with dementia. In my mind, however, if I can plant just one small seed of positivity into their mind then our conversation will have been worthwhile.

As those who have followed my work will know, I began D4Dementia for two main reasons: To help others and to ensure that the legacy of my dad’s life makes a real and lasting difference to society. What I never imagined was that just 18 months later I would receive a very prestigious award.

Being named ‘Best Independent Voice on Older People’s Issues’ at this year’s Older People in the Media Awards is undoubtedly the highlight of these last 18 months. My only sadness is that my dad isn’t here with me to share in this award, and be part of the photos and the memories, but I hope that he is very proud of the legacy his life is creating.



Winning 'Best Independent Voice on Older People's Issues'

I have been truly blessed to receive so many congratulatory messages, every one of which I am very grateful for, and as you can imagine my family, and in particular my mum, are incredibly proud. This award is about more than just my personal celebrations, however. It is a huge honour to have received it, but it is an even greater responsibility.

Our ageing population is growing on an unprecedented scale. The prevalence of dementia is also increasing, as are the numbers of people living with other long-term health conditions that require health and social care support. Against this backdrop there are also many other factors that are affecting older people’s quality of life. Do we have enough suitable housing? Can our elders manage to keep warm and eat healthily with the incomes that they have? And with more older people living alone, how do we support them with social interaction, combat isolation and loneliness, and ensure that they can live a meaningful life?

Huge questions that sadly I don’t have all the answers to. My role, however, is to continue to ask these questions, support campaigns that try to address key shortcomings in society (including the newly launched ‘Silver Line’ that offers older people a free, 24 hour, confidential helpline), and provide a voice to articulate the issues that concern older people. I have never, and will never understand why as a society we struggle so much to support and care for our citizens as they get older, but a particular tweet recently bought an element of thinking around this issue into sharp focus.

Put simply, the person sending the tweet said that as a society we lose interest in any group of people who do not contribute monetarily to our country. Although this goes vehemently against my viewpoint, I have to admit that I fear this person is painfully accurate in their observations. It has long bothered me that in a world obsessed by celebrity, image, technology and money, many older people are deemed irrelevant, surplice to requirements and a burden on society.

I’ve written previously about how we don’t see older people in a positive light because they aren’t young and sexy. Many older people simply couldn’t care less about the superficial nature of celebrity and image, and frankly I would argue that they have a very good point! Some older people have embraced technology (my mother had a smartphone before I did), but many others prefer more conventional methods of communication and avoid social media and having a house full of wires and ‘devices’. Should they be ostracised from society because of this? No of course not.

Meanwhile, for many people retirement means a fixed income that over time can leave them struggling to cope against the rising cost of living. I would point out, however, that people on a pension are still taxed once their income goes over a relatively meagre threshold, and of course many people end up having to use their life savings, and even sell their home, to pay for care.

Despite all of the negative perceptions of older people they are still consumers, contributing hugely to the economy in the retail, tourism and leisure sectors to name just a few. They were the people who pioneered the early inventions that have led to the technology we have today, and indeed defended the freedoms we now take for granted. Whatever Mr Google can tell you, he will never be as engaging as listening to an older person imparting their unique brand of knowledge and wisdom, complete with the wrinkles and grey hairs that are the trademark of a life lived to the max. And perhaps most engagingly of all, our elders offer us a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to connect to generations who have now passed away, a connection that we often take for granted until it is too late to make it.

I’m proud of our older people. Their stoicism and resilience. Their dignity and wisdom. Even in the darkest days of my dad’s dementia, he had the fundamental qualities of being a good and decent person that many people much younger than him could learn from. Our elders have an elegance that a lot of my contemporaries cannot match, and they have a charisma that draws you into their stories and memories that I only hope I can match when I’m in my 70’s, 80’s and 90’s.

Being positive about ageing is about more than just pointing out what makes our older people so wonderful, however. It’s about realising that, health and luck permitting, we will all be older one day. Technically, as every day goes past we take another small step towards being an older person. Personally I want to approach those days with positivity, enjoying the wisdom I’m accumulating and the stories I will have to tell, and in a society that I know will value me.

Receiving my award gave me a particularly special story to tell, and I hope that as YOUR ‘Best Independent Voice on Older People’s Issues’ I will make many more.

Thank you for all your support.

Until next time...

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886

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In sickness and in health

Through my work I am very privileged to meet and chat with people whose day-to-day life revolves around caring for someone with dementia or living with it themselves. Why ‘privileged’ you might wonder? Simply because having walked this path with my father, I know how tough it can be, and I have the ultimate respect and appreciation for what living with dementia really means both for the person themselves but also for those who are closest to them.

A lady currently caring for her husband said to me last week that she feels like she is drowning, that bit by bit dementia is literally sucking the life out of her, her marriage, her greatest friendship, her home life and her future. She is realistic about what the years ahead hold; she notices every change, every deterioration in her husband and plans everything, such as she can, on ‘worst case scenario’. She says she sees nothing ahead of her except darkness and sadness.

Another lady contacted me to describe the great emptiness in her life. Due to her own health she could no longer continue to care for her husband of 50 years at home, and reluctantly had to take the decision to move him into a care home last year. Having been married at 22, and never spending more than a few nights apart in all those years, she felt as though the blow dementia had dealt her life was, in many ways, worse than the bereavement that comes when a loved one passes away. She described it as if the disease was taunting her, explaining that although she still visited her husband every day, he appeared utterly oblivious to her presence.

Dementia doesn’t just affect older people either. I still remember very vividly hearing the heart-breaking tale of a lady whose husband had been a high-flyer in London. He had been offered and taken early retirement at 51, and he and his wife had planned to enjoy what they hoped would be golden years of rest, relaxation, travel and doing all the things that they had never been able to do whilst he was working and she was bringing up their family. Within a year of his retirement, her husband had been diagnosed with early onset dementia and his symptoms were advancing at an alarming rate. She felt bereft and cried daily, expecting that her husband would possibly never see his 60^th birthday.

These are just three couples in amongst hundreds of thousands, in the UK alone, whose lives have been invaded by dementia. I write a lot about how having a parent with dementia affects your relationship with your mum or dad, but if anything the effect on a marriage or partnership can be even more profound partially due, I think, to the age demographics involved.

When you are part of the younger generation, you grow up to appreciate the fragility of life as beloved older relatives experience health problems and pass away. I vividly remember losing my much cherished grandmother when I was only 7. My grandfather had died when I was just a baby, and both my father’s parents passed away long before he even married my mother. If anything life as a youngster tries to prepare you for looking after your parents and coping with whatever their needs may be in the future, not that such preparation is ever enough.

In a marriage or long term relationship, where both partners are often of a similar age, having made a life-long commitment to each other and with expectations of growing old together as their children go off and live their own lives, the blow can be even more cruel. That life you thought you would always have together will never be as you expected it to be once dementia intervenes. One partner will often be faced with providing care and coping with changes in their spouse that leave them feeling completely empty , isolated and vulnerable. Moreover, as dementia is terminal, you face one day laying to rest someone who may be the only person in your world that you could truly rely on.

There are also additional considerations when a partner has dementia. I have heard people with dementia describe their sadness at being unable to share a bed with their husband or wife due to dementia giving them violent night terrors that puts their spouse at risk of being unintentionally hurt. Many couples also bravely talk very candidly about dementia wrecking the intimacy in their relationship. How their partner’s dementia means that they have lost the understanding of what intimacy is, and that they no longer reciprocate even a hug or a kiss.

Maybe as a society, with preconceptions that dementia is a disease of the old and that sex is the preserve of the young, some may feel that this is all a perfectly normal part of aging. But try telling that to the husband or wife who misses the warmth of their partner’s body next to them on a cold winter’s night, or the expression of love, reassurance, solidarity, tenderness and kindness that a kiss or a hug provides. Without those fundamental aspects of a loving relationship, loneliness, depression and the searing pain and sadness of what feels like a separation can be overwhelming.

To anyone who is on the dementia journey with their best friend, lover and life-partner, I send you my thoughts and hopes that you find strength amidst the struggle, and love within the despair. For you, ‘In sickness and in health’ has a meaning well beyond anything you ever thought it would.

Until next time...

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886

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Five-a-day to keep dementia away?

Fish pie - Brain food?

One of the things I am most frequently asked is how do you prevent getting dementia? People who have seen how this disease eventually ravages a person would do anything to avoid getting it, and those who have no first-hand experience, but then hear about my father’s physical and mental decline, are generally keen to avoid developing dementia.

Sadly there is no magic solution to prevent getting this disease. The healthiest and most physically and mentally active can still develop some form of dementia during their lives. My father is a prime example of this: he was a very active, hard-working man with a healthy outdoor lifestyle, who very rarely smoked his pipe and only occasionally enjoyed alcohol. Prior to developing dementia he was not over-weight, and had a healthy diet with lots of fruit and vegetables.

The tipping point, in my father’s case, was retirement. His previously busy life as a farmer suddenly stopped; the adjustment coincided with him losing interest in some of his hobbies and his life became more sedentary. The huge mental upheaval of no longer being a working man took its toll, and where his life had previously been about the dawn-till-dusk responsibilities and expectations of tending his animals, he was suddenly as free as a bird. Sadly, however, he never found his wings within this new existence.

Very gradually the type of vascular dementia known as multi-infarct dementia (which is caused by a series of small strokes), set in. These strokes were so tiny that for a long time dad never reported any change in how he felt, even though the strokes had begun to wreak havoc in his brain, and by the time symptoms of what we now know was dad’s dementia were very obvious, damage had occurred, and would continue to for many years before he finally had a diagnosis.

Other relatives in dad’s care home also reported that their loved ones had led healthy and active lives prior to developing dementia, so is there any answer to the question of how to avoid the big D?

Given my interest and research into this subject over many years, and the expert advice, studies and tips I see on a daily basis as part of my job, I would love to report that there is a fail-safe way to avoid developing dementia. To date this has not been found though, and however well people can live with this disease, and I truly believe they can with personalised, therapeutic care in community settings that value, support and embrace them as a person, there will obviously never be a substitute for prevention.

I am not medically trained, but I absorb all the information available and one of the most powerful messages is the one reminding us that what is good for the heart is also good for the brain. I am a great believer in fresh, wholesome food, rich in fruit and vegetables, low in dairy and with meat and fish in moderation. In short, the key to our food and drink intake seems to be about maintaining a good 20% acid/80% alkaline balance.

I avoid processed, ready prepared, or take away meals, always cook from raw ingredients (including staple items like bread), and never touch anything with additives in it. I would rather have a teaspoon of raw cane sugar than anything with so much as a particle of artificial sweetener in it. In fact, in all three of my father’s care homes, where they offered residents squash (laden with artificial sweeteners) throughout the day, we banned them from feeding this to my father and brought him in pure fruit smoothies instead. We firmly believe that the nutrition within those drinks (especially considering that he could eat very few fruits raw due to his swallowing problems), helped his body to recover from the dozens of chest and bladder infections that he endured during the last few years of his life, proving what I wrote about here, that good nutrition is vital to not only preventing dementia but helping those already living with it to have a better quality of life.

I exercise as much as I can (I could always do better), am a big believer in natural (non-chemical) skincare, get as much rest and relaxation as my schedule will allow, and try to keep a healthy work/life balance. If giving the brain a good workout is as beneficial as we are lead to believe, then mine certainly gets a daily dose of that due to my job, and I have no desire to retire, which in the case of my generation is probably just as well! I have never smoked, rarely drink, never touch Coca Cola or the like, and confess to being addicted to water. Wherever possible I also source alternatives to pharmaceutical preparations, something I think most pharmaceutical companies would prefer isn’t encouraged. The only thing I do struggle to influence is the pollution in the atmosphere, which I would be the first to admit is very bad for you.

When my father was initially diagnosed with dementia, we sought the advice of one of the leading old-age psychiatrists treating him to find out her view on what could be done to prevent dementia. She recommended a ginkgo biloba supplement, while other advice I have read more recently suggests supplementing with B vitamins can help to keep the brain healthy. There are literally hundreds of studies out there suggesting positive associations between good brain health and different supplements or foods. What to believe is always the main problem, but my feeling on all things is generally that moderation is the key.

Granted we all have our own choices to make, our own lives to lead and face the consequences of our actions as a result. Whether mine or my family’s choices will make it any less likely that we will develop dementia only time will tell, but I firmly believe that anything that keeps you healthier generally is at least a step in the right direction.

Until next time...

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886

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